I did not watch the MTV movie awards

I did NOT watch the MTV movie awards

Watching the MTV movie awards is like watching the Kids Choice Awards and taking them seriously. However, because this is a movie blog I figured I should briefly talk about each winner. So, let's hope the winners list on USA Today is accurate, and have a little Vent

Best Female performance: Jennifer Lawrence for the Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

I'm aware this is a still from the first movie

I like the outfit more. Seems more battle-ready.

So far so good. I actually can agree with this choice. Jennifer Lawrence really showed her acting chops in the Hunger Games sequel, I mean it certainly surprised me. I walked into HG2 expecting to hate it, but I was pleasently surprised by just about everything in it. The plot was smart, far more satirical than I expected, and the characters (for the most part) were well written and likable. Jennifer Lawrence definitely helped this movie find its footing, and I couldn;t think of anyone else who could possibly play Katniss Everdeen.

You win this round MTV movie awards.

Best male performance: Josh Hutcherson for the Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Pita sucks. Pita sucks. Pita sucks. Pita sucks. Pita sucks. He is useless. He is baggage. Katniss carries him through everything, and Jennifer Lawrence carries Josh Hutcherson in similar fashion. Dear God, this is stupid. Josh Hutcherson wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't say he was worthy of an award like this. I suppose being a hot teen idol gives you an edge in this show, as I will also remind you that Leonardo DiCaprio was up for the same award ande did not win.

Oh Leo... will you ever find true love?

Best Kiss: Emma Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, and Will Poulter for We're the Millers.

...this is a dumb category. Next.

Best Fight: Remember how badass Legolas is? Don't worry, he won.
 
Next.

Best comedic Performance: Jonah Hill for Wolf of Wall Street

...Why WAS Superbad so poular anyway?

 

Now, I haven't seen Wolf of Wall Street yet, so I cannot verify if he deserves this. However, I liked Jonah Hill in Get Him To the Greek so... sure, why not?

Best on-screen duo: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in Fast and Furious 6

If I remeber correctly, a dead guy in a category usually bumps the chances of him winning up. Too soon? Perhaps, but I call shenanigans here and the primary suspect is teenager feels.

Best fanservice: High School Musical is still relevant.

Next.

#WTF moment: Wolf of Wall Street.

I just want to take this time to point out how dumb hastags are. Last year this category was called "Best WTF moment" not hashtag. #stupid

Best villain: Mila Kunis in Oz the Great and Powerful. Michael Fassbender in 12 Years a Slave

MICHAEL FASSBENDER PORTRAYED ONE OF THE MOST UNSETTLING CHARACTERS OF THE YEAR AND YOU GO WITH WICKED.

Best musical moment: Wait, it wasn't Let it Go?

Let it Go wasn't even in the nominees? Huh...

Best cameo performance: Rihanna for This is The End.

To be honest though, this whole movie was a cameo performance.

Best hero: Henry Cavill as Clark Kent in Man of- WHAT?!

No! No! NOnononono! NO! Nuh-uh! No way! No sir! No sir! I do not accept this! This is not true. I don't care if swarms of Americas youth, blinded by Justin Bieber and hashtags voted on this, it does not stand! Man of Steel was awful. It was pure garbage, and Superman is not portrayed well in this stupid thing at all! Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! You have Bilbo Baggins from the Hobbit and freaking Thor in this category and you choose this? REALLY!? REALLY?!

THIS IS DESPICAPLE
I... I am glad I missed the MTV Kids Choice Awards. I am friends with teens, and none of them would ever think this way. The categories are stupid, and they have no merit whatsoever. I know teenagers who would scoff at the idea of making a best shirtless scene category in lieu of best script, or best score. How can there be a best comedic performance award and not its antithesis? Clearly, teens know what drama is if they watch the Hunger Games, you can give them that, can't you?
This terrible corporate schlock is designed to get teens excited about product.

 THAT'S what Zac Efron's chest is: product.
 THAT'S what Paul Walker's death is: product.
 THAT'S what a scathing political satire starring a strong female lead is: Product.
 And in retrospect, that makes the irony all the more palpable.

I find it intersting that the Hunger Games won two of these awrds, when the entire crux of the series is about the bullcrap of hollywood exageration and how it can be manipulated to distract from core issues. I know that not all awards shows do this, and I am also aware that some of my favorite movies and TV shows commit this crime, but this is the worst offender. People are smart, and teenagers can be incredibly intelligent. Let them vote on categories that are meaningful, and let them use the analysis we try so hard to teach them in schools.

Movies have purpose that can extend outside of this terrible portrayal. And teens know it, so let them show that they know. Some of the teens watching may be the filmmakers of tomorrow, and if this is the way they get into movies, then I fear for the future of the art. But I know, that's a worst-case scenario. There are plenty of examples of movies and award shows that do not act as stupid and soulless as this, and those are the things we should focus on.

And even after all of that you STILL won't give Leonardo Dicaprio an award, not even one that's as dumb as this?!

Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do.

Screw this, I have a script to write.

What are YOUR thoughts on the MTV advertisement awards? Sound off in the comments below!

Four Rooms

Late the other night in a fit of boredom I found myself surfing Netflix looking for something to ease my mind. I came across Four Rooms, a 1995 anthology comedy directed by Allison Anders, Alexandre Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez, and Quenten Tarantino. I'm a fan of Tarantino's work, but I had never seen Four Rooms before. My friends had told me about it, and I recall vague memories about passing the case as a child at the movie store while I was on my way to rent the latest Spy Kids movie (I never said I was a smart kid), so I decided to finally check it out, and I was not disappointed.

The movie follows the adventures of Ted the Bellhop, portayed by Tim Roth, on his first night working at a hotel in New York. This night happens to be New Year's Eve, so of course it promises to be busy. What follows are four stories, each directed by one of the four directors listed above, and so I will review each story individually. A fair warning: This review may contain SPOILERS and the movie discussed contains MATURE CONTENT.

Room One: The Honeymoon Suite. "The Missing Ingredient"

Now, when I first heard of this movie I expected it to be a weird horror movie spiced up with Tarantino's brand of odd humor and satire. I had no clue that other directors were attatched to the film, or that it was actually a comedy. This soon became very clear with the first story. "The Missing Ingredient" begins with our hero Ted showing a woman to the Honeymoon Suite. Then he shows another pair of women to the Honeymoon Suite. Then another woman. And another. And one more. Immediately the idea clicks in my head, well two ideas. A) This is going to turn into an orgy, and my fragile mind shouldn't be watching this. B) This is a coven of witches. In a way, I was right on both accounts.

This is a coven, and though there is no orgy two of them do take their tops off in the middle of their ritual. But why are they here? Well apparently, their Goddess was cursed in this suite while on her honeymoon and turned to stone. In order to bring her back, the witches have all gathered to perform a ritual and offer up several ingredients including milk from a woman's breast, the blood of a virgin, the sweat of a man's loins, and semen. However, the witch who was supposed to bring the semen could not because she swallowed it, and so she must find more. Enter Ted.

 

Ted is called into the room, and promised a fifty dollar tip if he will have sex with the offending witch and give his semen. This is where the movie starts to get weird, and it is the only time it gets this weird. She seduces Ted by using magic, and these effects are lifted entirely from the seventy's. Let me remind you that this movie is from 1995. This campiness, I feel, is a deliberate choice by the director of this segment Allison Andres. Because of how the entire segment plays out, it feels like a definite love letter to weird 70's drive-in movies which are famous for these lame effects, sexy witches, and bizarre ritualistic storylines. As for an ending to this story, well there isn't really one. Ted has sex with the witch, the Goddess is reawakened, and we jump right into the next story.

Room two: Room 404 "The Wrong Man"

 

Let me preface this by saying that this is my favorite story of the four. Not only does it have some incredibly entertaining characters and onw of the most bizarre situations I've ever seen, but I absolutely love both the camera and set direction by Alexandre Rockwell. Ted is called to room 404 by a group of partiers to bring up some ice. Whether they got the room number wrong or Ted got the number wrong we will never know, but the mistake is severe. Instead of wandering into a party with some ice, Ted walks into a bizarre pshychosexual game being played by a couple. What follows is some of the most tense and funny dialogue of the film. Ted is blamed to be the woman's secret lover, and her husband, armed with a gun, is deadset on proving... well... something. We are never quite sure of what this man wants, and despite the constant reassurance from his wife, who is tied up in a a chair throughout the entire scene, that it is all a game they like to play, the husband is so strong in his accusations and so clearly insane that both Ted and us have no clue who to believe.

 

The less I say about this scene the better. The characters consistently build-up tension, especially the gun-toting husband played by David Proval, and each time the tension breaks we are never 100% sure of whether or not it's going to get serious again. Ted too gives his fair share of tension, as we not only get more insight into his past in this scene, but we also discover Ted's serious side. Before, Ted was mainly portrayed as squirelly and cartoonish, but he can also be cantakerous and greedy, and even has a breaking point. It truly is a roller-coaster of a segment.

Room Three: Room 309 "The Misbehavers"

Director Robert Rodriguez once again employs that lovable guitar-gun toting scamp Antonio Banderes as the father of two children. At the beginning of the scene they call Ted and ask him to bring up some champagne. In the meantime, he and his wife prepare the kids for a night out. During this time the wife and husband have a brief discussion and decide to leave the kids at the hotel room for the night, babysat by the TV and one bribed bellhop we've come to know as Ted.

Keep in mind that these stories take place in the same night. Ted has already dealt with a coven of witches and a psychopathic love game all presumably within the same hour. By now, Ted is breaking, and boy does it show. His behavoir towards the kids is rude, snippy, and all around "holier than thou". This, coupled with Banderes' take no funny business attitude, is the highlight of the scene.

Rodriguez really shows off his directoral skills here, as the sequence is filled with his trademark bizarre camera cuts, spanish flair, and of course the smooth caliber of Antonio Banderes. The entire scene is nuts, and the bizarre situations these kids find themselves in accentuates the chaos. It almost makes me wish that Spy Kids was more like Four Rooms. I think Spy Kids would have been much better had they discovered a dead hooker in the matress. Not wishing to spoil exactly what leads to this revelation, I'll leave you with this GIF.

 

The events leading to this image are so off the wall, so inconceiveable, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

 

Room Four: The Penthouse "The Man From Hollywood"

After the chaos of the previous two segments, you would think the fourth segment would be the craziest, most inconceivable thing in the world. In actuality, the segment is more of a breather. Directed by Quentin Tarantino, the final scene seems to not only be a breather for the audience but also a sort of reward for Ted for putting up with the insanity the entire night has wrought him. Ted is on the cusp of quitting, but his manager (who is currently partially coked out from a New Year's Eve Party) tells him that if he can just handle the request of the Penthouse guest, an actor by the name of Chester Rush, then he can go. Begrudgingly, Ted agrees.

 

 

What follows is a small story told in practically nothing but long one-shot takes. Tarantino plays the celebrity himself, and he walks both Ted and the audience through a glimpse into what can only be described as Hollywood. He sits in this penthouse, with his manager, another person, and the wife from "The Wrong Man", and basically proceeds to shoot the shit with Ted involved. All these guys love Ted, and throughout the longshots you get the sense that he is there for a reason. Eventually, his reason for being there is revealed. The celebrities wish to use Ted as a thrid party in a bet betwixt the Tarantino and his friend Norman. The bet? If one of them, Norman, can light his lighter ten times in a row he gets Rush's car. But if Rush wins, then  the other must have his pinky chopped off. Ted is the one who must chop off the pinky if he loses. After a tip of $1000 is offered to Ted, he agrees.

 

 

This scene is based on Rhoald Dhal's story, the Man from the South, but that isn't what makes it interesting. What truly makes it unique is the interactions between Ted and Tarantino. Both use their screen time to reveal unique traits about each of their characters, and the decision to have almost no cuts in the camera work forces the audience member to really pay attntion to what they are saying and doing, because they have no cuts to guide them. This also immerses the audience into the story, and creates an illusion of actually being there, walking among the characters and, to a degree, interacting with them. It was a good way to end the film.

 

 

Ted the Bellhop

For me, the highlight of the entire movie is Tim Roth as Ted. the character is essentially a cartoon who consistently finds himself in gritty and dark situations. The odd way Ted moves supports this idea, as nobody else in the movie walks or talks like him. His naive nature and his strange gait immediately endears the audience to him. Even when he is cursing like a sailor and being an outright dick to some of the people he talks to, you can't help but agree with him. He's just trying to do his job, after all, why can't these wackos leave him alone? Well, a part of why they can't is because of Ted's bigggest flaw: greed. Especially in the final two segments, Ted allows himself to befall these perils because of the promise of money. Let it be noted that he does not want to chop off Norman's finger until he is offered $1000 cash upfront, he refuses to babysit the two children until he barters his way to a $500 tip, and refuses to have sex with the witch until he is offered some money. The only place where he does not get greedy is when he is confronted by the man with the gun, though he DOES have a gun. So, that's understandable. Either way, Ted is a wonderful character, and I cannot imagine anyone else than Tim Roth portraying him.

 

Final thoughts

Four Rooms is an ingenius idea, and one I wish more directors would try. The concept of a lone character jumping hoops through many different directoral styles and scripts is an entertaining one, and here it is handled perfectly. If you're a fan of any of these director's work, I highly advise you to go check it out. It's not very hard to find. It can be found on Blu-ray, DVD, VHS, and possibly Betamax. It's also on Netflix... guess you could go there too.

 

What do YOU think of Four Rooms? Sound off in the comments below!

 







Time to let off some steam

Equal parts class assignment and pretty good idea, The Vent: The Blog aims to act as a companion to my popular among divorced men and college students podcast The Vent! Here I will be posting some text-exclusive pieces about movies, both old and new, and of course I will be posting episodes of the podcast as it comes out.

For the uninitiated, allow me to talk about The Vent and what it is.

THIS is the first episode

The Vent: "Silent Hill: Revelation"

Fueled by a sense of rage after watching Silent Hill Revelation, I began documenting my outbursts on audio. After running the idea through my head I decided to turn it into a podcast of sorts, and thus the Vent was born! Mid-way through production of the first episode I decided to add a soundtrack behind me, and I liked it. So, the soundtrack has become a key player in giving the Vent an identity.

Other current episodes of the Vent include:

The Vent: "Mean Girls 2"

 

The Vent: "Dead Snow"

(This episode marks the first positive review of a movie)

As i stated before, I will be posting every episode that I create as they come as well as some blog exclusive text-reviews, opinions, and industry-related news! Stick around and Vent with me!

Catch ya later!